I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
