If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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