i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
