sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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