I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
