Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
