Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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