I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
