Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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