how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
