1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
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I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
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It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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