I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
