some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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