Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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