i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
