I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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