Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
