dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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