turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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