I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
