woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
