I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
