why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
3 2 1 whiskey
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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