I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
