fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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