a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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