i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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