I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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