Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
