"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize