Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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