Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
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went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
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Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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