do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
