So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
