I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
