Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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