How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
