Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
