I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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