You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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