READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
