just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
