Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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