My liver just broke up with me...
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
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He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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