Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
