the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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