I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
