between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
