How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
