i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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