It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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