Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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