Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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