I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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