I puked a lego.
I faked an abortion last night.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
