Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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