You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
